It All Burned and Was Light

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Screaming into the void. Stories, poetry, podcast, and artwork. A blog by Saurabh Rai.
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Poetry

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Saurabh Rai
Dec 14, 2018
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Photo by Eugene Triguba on Unsplash

Late. So late.

Tonight. We are.

‘Shouldn’t we be going?’ she says.

‘Where?’ I ask.

She tilts her head 15 degrees to the left,

locks of hair brush her shoulder and fall over an inch.

and she looks at me

just a touch of exasperation playing on her lips.

her eyebrows arch.

her hands one over the other wrapped together.

her fingers under her armpits.

I look at the lights, billboards, cars and strangers with familiar faces

I recline over the car

I will meet her gaze in a minute

this living being who is staring at me.

oh I know..

she means some place we call home

that place has doors and windows.

ceilings and floors,

neighbors and guests

I am bored

I have been bored all year.

I can feel her fidgeting

standing up on her toes and then down on her heels

curving her shoulders

darting occasional glances into the distance

waiting.

It is cold

and I know she is cold

but she doesn’t say anything

she just fidgets waiting for me to get out of my sulk

I am thankful.

Minutes pass

and I can’t focus anymore on anything

may be its the guilt

the thing is I am brittle

I crack easily. From the inside first.


‘Let’s go!’ I turn to her.

She is staring at her stilettos

she hears my voice and turns her head towards me

she doesn’t look surprised, she knows me

sometimes I want her to act surprised

For God’s sake. Act surprised. I wish.

She lithely circles the car

and pulls the door open to the passenger seat

‘You drive?’ I ask tentatively.

‘Okay, but keep me awake.’

I smile.

The road stretches before us like a dark river

snaking its way, curling, swaying, splaying at the joints

I slump deep in my seat

and watch her. Watch her drive.

Her earrings sparkle, reflecting the green light from the dials.

‘Do you wanna play something on the radio,’ she says.

‘No.’

I put my arm on the base of the window and rest my chin on my palm.

Its dark outside

and above a million stars

spinning, twirling

light years from us

us, we

failing, faltering, struggling

repeating

like a luminescent jelly fish in the depths of ocean’s inky water

beautiful, magical, divine.

ephemeral.

Rubber spins on concrete as we drive through this night

surrounded on all sides by space

all the cars, all the people

a car goes past us,

and I think -

there is someone in that car too who has to be somewhere,

because it’s late

and may be they are wondering the same thing

the jelly fish thing,

the spinning twirling thing.

I suddenly feel very sad

I don’t know why..

an emotion unbidden flares intensely,

like all air has gone from my lungs.

like all hope is clotted by sludge of reality

there is no help, no way out

no immediate care or cure

and I want to cry

and I want to cry for a very long time

but I know the feeling will pass

it always does, and I can function like a normal human being

I look at her as though for deliverance

she doesn’t know what I am thinking, I hope

she is driving.

Her hands on the steering wheel,

her long fingers curled around the leathery grip,

her eyes fixed into the distance.

She is humming a song -

Gliding like a satellite in the broken night

And when I wake you’re there I’m saved.

‘Turn the radio on, if you like,’ I tell her.

‘No no. that’s okay.’

‘Alright.’

we are crossing the city limits

soon we will be there

that configuration of bricks and cement

that pit of civilized chatter.

Once again, as though by gravity we are drawn to it

the place, the people, the jobs

the routine, the clinical procedure of living

meticulously sprinkled with recreation..

I wish we could keep driving.

and drive past that place,

and by the time we remember, we are already far far away

we are in a different place, and we are different.


Closer and closer

and I have to say it.

When? Now.

I turn to her.

‘You know we should move to a hotel right now.

We shall live there as long as we like,

and then move.

We shall drink, dance and fuck,

as long as we want, wherever we want.’

she looks at me for a second.

and then her lips curl into a smile

first to the left and then all the way to the right,

the way she has

and then she caresses my arm and starts to laugh and she laughs all over the place

‘You are funny.’ The words through laughter ring out.

‘Yeah, may be.’

and the street lights, like a giant insect’s protruded milky eyes watch me as though I were a prey.

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